How Not to Run for Pope

In this tell-all memoir, a former papal candidate reveals what life is like inside a campaign for the world's most powerful position.

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Here are a few of the topics that are covered:

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• The Calling: There's only one practical use for ten years of Catholic education. Run for pope!

• The Office: What does the pope do in the Vatican? What doesn't he do in the woods? And how much money does he make, anyway? You'll be surprised at some of the answers.

• The Promises: Term limits, shorter Masses, and gluten-free Communion wafers are some of the great ideas that every papal candidate should support.

• The Obstacles: What do you do when the current pope won't get out of the way and let someone else have the job?

• The Campaign: Running for pope requires a popular website, an attention to current events, and the ability to juggle other commitments.

• The Competition: A former priest, a female college student, and an avowed Protestant all join the fray. Will they be tough to beat?

• The Endgame: The old pope dies and the pressure is on.

• The Outcome: And the winner is... Who the hell is that? Seriously?!?!